mrveitch

(Or why I stopped fighting to pay for myself)

Free dinners. Gifts. Seats offered to you on public transit. You’ve probably had it all. Have you ever felt uncomfortable accepting the star treatment, especially from people you don’t think can afford it?

In the states, you are taught to politely decline this level of hospitality, from friends and strangers alike, even if you want to accept it. You are supposed to be independent and pay your own way. ‘Murica.

Well here in China, you are a guest, and Chinese people like to treat their guest well. Your American way of thinking of thinking can create discomfort and even offend some people. More often than not, for everyone’s benefit, you should accept the hospitality rather fight it.

Now I understand that this stands in direct contrast with everything you learned back in the States, but this is not the States and you should adjust your behavior accordingly. The motivation behind hospitality in China and in the US is very different and understanding those differences should alleviate some of your discomfort.

Be honest. Most of the time when you offer to pay for other people back home, you probably didn’t mean it and we’re hoping others would chip in too.

Well here in China when someone offers to front the bill, or 请客，they really do mean it and to oppose them on this, especially in front of others, will cause them to lose face. I won’t get into what that means here, but in short, losing face is like dropping your friends baby when they finally let you hold it after months of building their trust.

Try this:

Imagine for a second that you are a Chinese local. You were raised believing that treating friends and family to food and giving gifts is one of the highest forms of showing appreciation. One day you invite your foreign friend out for dinner. When it comes time to pay the bill, even though you made it clear in your invitation that it was your treat (you said 请客) this laowai is arguing with you, in front if all the people that you are trying to impress, that they should put money toward the bill. You can literally feel your face being lost.

What is this laowai thinking? Do they think I can’t afford to pay? Do they not appreciate my hospitality? Are they trying to embarrass me?!?

That is likely what is going through their heads every time you fight with the over a bill or refuse their hospitality in general.

By accepting their kindness, they gain respect in their community and feel good about yourself, and you save money! As a peace corps volunteer, this is definitely a huge plus.

Now I’m not saying you should accept any and everything that comes your way; use your judgement but keep in mind the differences in culture and motivation. Certainly turn down anything that feels like an overt bribe, but if you say, even in passing, “I need a new set of prayer beads” don’t be surprised if they buy you one when your back is turned.

Just remember: every time you deny hospitality a Chinese local loses their face.